Be Seated
by Oldguy73
Summary: Trip finds that sometimes a simple request can lead to problems.


**Be Seated**

**by Oldguy73**

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><p><strong>Summary: <strong>Trip finds that sometimes a simple request can lead to problems.

**Rating:** PG

**D****isclaimer:**

_Star Trek: Enterprise_ and its characters are copyright CBS/Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended by the author of this story, which is solely for the purpose of entertainment and is not for profit.

A/N I have often been ridden by my wife and Daughter about putting down the seat of the toilet when I leave the bathroom. I wondered what would happen on the bridge of the Enterprise when we have a Vulcan, a woman crewman and some guys involved in that very thing. Please R/R SB

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><p>"Ensign Sato, I must..." T'Pol hesitated. She was not sure of the correct term for urination in standard English.<p>

Hoshi guessed her intent.

"Oh, this way. The bathroom is in the back of the bridge," she said ushering T'Pol to the door, opening it and moving to one side so T'Pol could go in.

A moment later T'Pol stepped out, obviously puzzled.

"There is no shower or tub in there. How could I bathe if I needed to?" she asked.

"There isn't any in there," said Hoshi.

"Then why do you call it a bathroom?" asked T'Pol.

T'Pol hadn't been on Enterprise very long and this was the first time she had needed to use the toilet while on the bridge.

"Ah..., well..., you see what you want is in the bathroom in your quarters," said Hoshi.

"But why do you say this is a bathroom when clearly it is not?" said T'Pol.

"Habit I guess," said Hoshi.

"Yes," said Travis, "you go No 1 and No 2 in there."

"Piddle and poo," added Malcolm.

This earned them a murderous look from Hoshi.

"You can go in and do your business in there," said Hoshi.

"You conduct ship's business in here?" asked T'Pol.

"No, you do YOUR business in there," said Hoshi.

"Shouldn't I do my business out here?" asked T'Pol.

Trip looked around quickly. Travis had a stunned look on his face, Malcolm's eyes were glassy, Archer looked rapt. Suddenly an image appeared in Trip's mind: _T'Pol had her trousers and panties around her ankles. She about to squat, her beautiful bum bare._

"What are you guys thinking?" snapped Hoshi "You should see the look on your faces."

"Testing in engineering"; "Torpedo inventory"; "Star charts"; "New course for the ship" came the chorus of excuses.

"No, Sub-Commander, you do everything in there." Hoshi opened the door again, looked in, stepped aside. "Be sure to lock the door," she said.

"Lock the door? Why?" asked T'Pol.

"It might accidentally open and you don't want to show these guys what their imaginations are showing them now," said Hoshi.

"As you wish," said T'Pol entering the toilet. Hoshi could hear the lock closed.

Hoshi turned and glared at the men. "Don't you ever put the seat down when you are finished?" she said hotly.

"Seat down?" asked Travis.

"Yes, put the seat down when you are done in there," said Hoshi.

"Why?" asked Malcolm.

"Because I have to if you don't," replied Hoshi.

"Can't be that hard," said Malcolm. "Just lean over and pull it down."

"You could do that if it is so easy," snapped Hoshi.

"It is no big deal," said Travis.

"Maybe not for you," said Hoshi. "It is for me."

"Why don't you lift the seat when you are finished?" asked Malcolm.

Trip and Archer were staying out of the line of fire on this.

"Why should I lift the seat? You can do that yourself," said Hoshi.

"You can put down the seat yourself too," said Malcolm.

"If you were gentlemen you would put the seat down," said Hoshi.

"If you were a lady you would put the seat up," chuckled Travis.

Travis looked around to see if the other guys enjoyed that. He saw the ready room door close behind Archer; Trip in the lift frantically jabbing at a button and Reed running down the hall towards the armory. Travis wished he smoked so he could have a last cigarette before his execution. He hunched over his board.

Hoshi watched Trip jabbing and cussing the button. She could have told him he was pushing the open door button in his haste. She turned to Travis.

"What did you say Ensign?" she asked.

"Nothing, nothing at all. Just talking to myself," said Travis.

T'Pol walked out of the toilet then. "Are there any towels to dry my hands?" she asked.

"Sure," said Travis, "I will show you."

"Stay where you are Mayweather," said Hoshi. "I will show her where the towels are kept."

"Thank you Ensign Sato," said T'Pol.

Trip was still jabbing at the button and cursing very loudly.

Hoshi showed T'Pol where the towels were kept below the sink.

"You think it is funny about your behavior with the seat?" asked Hoshi glaring at Travis.

"Maybe we can get the Captain to rule on this," said Travis looking for some way to get off the hook.

"Yes, ask the Captain to mediate this as it seems to be of some concern," said T'Pol.

"Sure is," said Hoshi. "Women all over the ship are pi..., er..., upset about it," said Hoshi.

"Then the Captain should come back to the bridge, rule on this and post an order," said T'Pol.

"I will call him," said Hoshi. "Ensign Sato to Captain Archer. Can you come back to the bridge?"

"Archer here, what do you need. I am very busy right now. Can't T'Pol handle it?" he said.

"Actually she has an interest in this so she may not be unbiased," replied Hoshi.

"Is Commander Tucker still on the bridge?" asked Archer.

"He is nearby, close enough to call him back," said Hoshi.

She was looking at Trip who was now banging his fist on the panel with the control buttons.

T'Pol walked out to the lift. "Captain Archer has ordered you back to the bridge," she said.

"Tell him I am on my way to engineering if I can get this damned lift to work," snapped Trip.

"He has ordered you back to the bridge," insisted T'Pol.

Trip left the lift and delivered a hard kick to the frame of the lift door. "ARGGH," he yelled. "I broke my foot."

"Are you sure of that?" said T'Pol.

Trip growled and started to limp to the bridge. He edged close to T'Pol putting his arm out to steady himself against her. T'Pol moved swiftly away from him. Trip came down hard on his injured foot. "YEEEAAAHH," he yelled. "Why did you move?"

"Vulcans do not want to be touched in public or private by strangers," she answered.

"What if I wasn't a stranger?" Trip asked.

"Only a vulcan's spouse or mate can touch intimately. In public with just two fingers." said T'Pol.

"Then pretend I am not a stranger and that we can touch with two fingers. On your shoulder," said Trip.

T'Pol gave him an icy stare and walked on to the bridge ahead of him. Trip limped after her muttering.

When he got to the Bridge Trip saw Hoshi glaring at Travis, while Travis was doing his best to look down at his board and pretending she was not glaring at him.

Trip knew he didn't want to get in to this so he stepped to the comm. "Tucker to Archer."

"Archer here, have you taken care of things on the bridge?" asked Archer.

"No, Captain," said Trip "I don't have the authority to take care of it. You must come back to the bridge now."

"What happened that you cannot take care of?" said Archer.

Trip looked at Hoshi still glaring at Travis and Travis looking like he wished he was elsewhere. Trip took a shot in the dark. "Travis said something to Hoshi," he said.

"What?" said Archer.

"You wouldn't want me to tell you over the comm. Everyone on board could hear it," said Trip.

"Oh all right," snarled Archer "I am coming."

Archer walked out of his ready room visibly irritated.

"What did Travis say?" said Archer looking hard at Travis.

Travis clamped his lips shut and shook his head.

"What did you say, Ensign?" snapped Archer.

Travis still had his mouth shut and he still shook his head, this time pointing to Hoshi.

"Archer turned to Hoshi "What did he say to you Ensign?" he said.

Hoshi thought for a moment and then said "He said I wasn't a lady."

Archer turned to T'Pol "Did he say you weren't a lady too?" he said.

"Nonsense. I am the Lady T'Pol of the clan..."

"I didn't mean that kind of lady," snapped Archer.

"What other kind is there?" said T'Pol.

Trip unfortunately led with his mouth." In our society a lady is a woman who is nice, mannerly, doesn't fly off the handle and a lady puts it in for you." He stopped appalled. That last bit shouldn't have come out. "I didn't mean that last thing. I was thinking of something else, not a lady"

"What were you thinking of, Commander?" said T'Pol icily.

"Nothing, to do with you. I know you are a lady in every way. Everyone on board knows that," smiled Trip shakily.

"You had another thing you were associating me with in your mind," said T'Pol grimly.

"Scouts honor, I wasn't. Not at all. I am not suicidal," said Trip. 'Shit,' he thought, 'I shouldn't have said that last thing.'

"Suicidal? Then what you were thinking of me was very bad," said T'Pol.

Travis was relieved. Tucker had managed to move the attention away from him. Of course Tucker was now in deep shit. 'Tough, better him than me,' he thought.

Archer was glad that Trip was sacrificing himself. Too bad he would probably need to visit the sickbay to make sure his Chief Engineer would live. He did need him.

"Where is Malcolm?" said Trip desperately.

"We do not need Lt Reed," said T'Pol.

Trip was cornered. No help from the Captain or Travis much less Hoshi. "Do they have this same seat problem on Vulcan?" he asked.

"We are not speaking of Vulcan or seats. We are trying to find out what you were thinking of me," said T'Pol majestically.

"T'Pol, I told you. I hold you in the highest esteem. I know you are the most ladylike woman on board. That is what I meant," he said.

"Then what was that comment at the end: 'a lady puts it in for you'?" snapped T'Pol.

In for a penny in for a pound. He was in the crapper anyway. "I was thinking of how nice it would be in bed with you," he said.

"In bed with me? What does 'a lady puts it in for you' have to do with being in bed with me?" said T'Pol.

Hoshi was going to speak up. "It means..."

"Shut up Ensign. That is an order," snapped Trip. "I can handle the explanation without your help."

Hoshi stopped and said nothing more but she looked daggers at Trip.

"I am sorry that I said that. I shouldn't be thinking of those things in regard to you. No lady would do that for me," Trip said.

T'Pol considered and then said "Apology accepted. But in the future please do not associate me with human habits."

Hoshi looked nervously at Trip. She knew she wanted to tell T'Pol what Trip really meant but he would shove her out of an airlock if she did because right after she told T'Pol all hell would break lose on Trip's head and he would know who to blame if he was in any condition to take revenge. She reluctantly knew she had to drop it. But it would have been so nice to see T'Pol's face when she told her.

Trip knew he would have to get Hoshi alone as soon as he could right after this was cleared up on the bridge. He wondered what he could promise her to make sure she kept her mouth shut. He didn't want this gorgeous vulcan mad at him over a slip of the tongue or for any reason.

'Yes, well, I guess that clears this up. I will be in my ready room or in my quarters or perhaps inspecting the arboretum," said Archer. He turned and dashed off the bridge before anyone could stop him.

"Does not," said Hoshi. "You men still leave the seat up; In the communal bathrooms like in engineering, science section, bridge, everywhere. In the women's quarters it is not a problem. But if a woman is visiting a man in his quarters she still has to put down the seat... I bet."

"You been visiting men in their quarters Ensign?" asked Trip smiling happily. He had what he needed to keep Hoshi quiet.

"No, of course not. Well, I may have had dinner in one man's quarters but just dinner and left right away," said Hoshi. "Not saying who the man was. Nobody's business."

"I do not believe that we can change habits," said Trip. "Guess you women will have to live with it."

"I do not see why that habit cannot be changed with some thought. It is just a matter of remembering to put down the seat after use. In a while you will have a new habit."

"Yeah," agreed Hoshi.

"Thank you Sub-commander but I doubt if you are an authority on men's habits in the bathroom unless you have been in there with one," said Trip.

"I beg you pardon Commander are you suggesting that I go in to a facility with men to watch them..."

'Oh shit, when will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut?' thought Trip. 'Now I have done it.'

"No, no, no, of course not..." an excuse or alibi wouldn't come. Trip was exposed to the world, helpless. "T'Pol, dammit, you make me lose any brains I have because you are so beautiful that when I look at you I say the stupidest things. I know you wouldn't go in to a bathroom with a man. Never."

"Then why did you say it?" asked T'Pol.

"Because I am an idiot who cannot stop shooting his mouth off and saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time," said Trip. "I don't want you mad at me. I want to be your friend, honestly. Dammit it is either shoot my mouth off or I am tongue tied around you."

T'Pol coolly looked at Trip, then turned to Hoshi.

"It seems we are at an impasse. There seems to be no solution to your problem because the men are too... thoughtless. They don't seem to want to change," said T'Pol. "I would suggest that you concede the point."

"I will, but they will pay for it, I promise," snapped Hoshi.

"T'Pol," said Trip. "Can we talk? How about going to the dining hall for some coffee and we can get my dumb remarks cleared up."

"I do not drink coffee... but I do drink tea," said T'Pol. "Yes that might be a very helpful setting to discuss our indiscretions."

Trip sighed. He was going to have to eat a hell of a lot of crow but if it meant he was not on her shit list it would be worth it, he thought.

Trip and T'Pol left the bridge. Malcolm left too. That left Hoshi and Travis.

"Thanks for not telling them it was my quarters you had dinner in," said Travis.

"You damned sure better remember to put the seat down or I just might let it slip," said Hoshi.

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><p>Finis<p> 


End file.
